The Love Code

By:  Donna M.

Mother’s Day 2008 was the day my son chose to save his life, the day he entered into recovery and has maintained it with continuous growth over the past 10 years.

Mother’s Day 2018 was not a great day, because I reacted to an action that my son did. We had words, his were not kind, actually they were quite hurtful. I have felt for some time that my son was holding on to some resentments towards me, just didn't know what they were. When he was done lashing out at what he feels are my character defects, I said “you should figure out your resentments towards me". As awful of an encounter this was, we hugged and went on with our day. I went home and went to bed because that's what I do when I am emotionally wounded. He sent a text message a little later in the day and invited me over for dinner, reluctantly I went, not because I wanted to but because I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do, however, I knew that I would be the elephant in the room.

He gave me a card telling me how much he admires and loves me but truth be told, his actions and words were so loud in my head that I couldn’t receive the kind words that he was stating. Days went by where we didn’t communicate with each other. Not only am I his Mother, I am also his Realtor and I needed to communicate with him about a transaction. Truth be told, I had to dig down deep to give in and be the one who called, so I went into Realtor mode. When I was saying goodbye, he reached out and said, “I’ve been afraid to call you”, he proceeded to tell me that he took my suggestion and wrote a resentment list and came to the conclusion that he was angry at me for what he allowed. Pj was angry at me because I asked him if he wanted to do a podcast together, write a book together and put on an event together, he wanted to say no but instead he’d say, I don’t have time for that right now Mom. Weeks/months later I would ask again and got the same response. Instead of being honest with me, he was creating a story about me that instilled anger towards me.

As I reflected on our conversation, about how we were both willing to let time pass because of fear and ego. Shortly after our conversation I sent my son a message that stated “how silly is it that you were afraid to call me, and I was staying away because I thought you had no interest in participating in my life. I stated that "we need a love code”, Pj asked “what is a love code?”, I responded with “we send a heart as a sign I'm not mad, it's ok to call/chat whatever”. Pj thought that was a great idea and stated he hopes we never have a conversation like that ever again. Our love code is a red heart.

A Love Code can shift how we treat each other, prevent us from creating stories in our heads that we don't know to be true and keep our hearts open to each other in good times and not so good times.

How do you communicate when you're in a place of hurt?

Donna MarstonComment